The Really Bad And Crappy Life of Helga G Pataki
by Jopeth23
Summary: A parody fic. A fic so bad, so terrible, so cliched that it needs no summary... Okay fine, so Arnold and the gang are in high school, and Helga returned to Hillwood High to join them there...*groans* jeez, you know where this is going too, don't you?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold!, its characters, and setting.**

**A/N: The idea for this fic first came up in a Facebook conversation with Vanessa aka HelgaButtercup aka "That-French-Tsundere-Girl". This fic is a PARODY, with all the most cliched, overused, worn-out plot elements and tropes commonly seen in HA! fanfictions. This is also a parody of all the most terrible fanfictions I have read in the past. If you find this fic terrible, it's okay, it's **_**supposed to be terrible**_**! So let the crapfest begin! ^^,**

**Helga's Crappy Start**

It was a beautiful September morning. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and MTV finally decided to cancel _Jersey Shore. _It's the first day of school for the students of Hillwood High. Everybody was excited for this new school year. New school year, new beginning.

Hillwood High was just like any cliched high school you could expect to see from a bad 90s teen film. There's a strict stereotypical caste system being followed by the students. At the top of the caste were the jocks, cheerleaders, popular girls, and douchebags. Then there's the nerds, geeks, and freaks. And then the goths and emo kids. And then there's the rest of the general population that wouldn't even bother to know about because they will not be mentioned anywhere in this fic, and they would serve no other pupose but to be onlookers and extras in this story.

Helga Pataki did not miss this opportunity to make a grand entrance at her first day in this school. After all, she had been gone from Hillwood after so many years of absence for reasons that would not matter because it will not be mentioned again or referenced again in the future chapters of this story. She decided to be extra-girly for today. She chose an off-shouldered dress to expose her broad shoulders, pink pleated plaid miniskirt to show off her long legs, and high-cut boots because it looks cool. She decided to get rid of her unibrow because duh, any self-respecting teenager knows that unibrows are sooooo out.

Harold, Stinky, and Sid were playing NBA 2K13 on ad hoc mode in their PSPs on the school quad, with the Lakers finally winning even with Kobe out the game, when their gazes fell upon the lovely tall, long-legged blonde emerging from the bus. They almost dropped their handheld gaming consoles as they gawked upon the blobnde.

"Is that...?"

"Helga G. Pataki?!"

"Wow! Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster! She's a hottie!"

"Suddenly, I'm having dirty thoughts about her, even though I always thought she's butt-ugly back in grade school," Harold declared.

"You said it, Harold. After seeing her, I have an uncontrollable urge to run to the men's room and touch myself impurely," Sid concurred.

"I'm with you Sid. I reckon Helga would be the new darling of Hillwood High," Stinky added. The two boys nodded in agreement.

As Helga made her way across the quad, each and one of the male students almost had their heads almost twisted off their necks as their eyes followed Helga Pataki. Two cars even crashed head-on behind her and burst into flames, roasting their drivers who were distracted by this blonde beauty into crisp. No one paid attention to the smoking, burning cars, as everybody was fixated by this newcomer who instantly enchanted the whole Hillwood High studentry with her wicked beauty.

But not everybody was pleased by Helga's return. From afar, Lila and Rhonda, together with their gang of cheeleaders, were seething upon the sight of the new and improved Helga Pataki captivating the whole Hillwood High.

"So this girl thinks she could simply waltz in and charm the whole studentry, and eventually become the prom and homecoming queen? Ha! Fat chance!" Rhonda said.

"I'm ever so certain that we need to do something to bring that Helga Pataki down! Let's show who's the boss here in Hillood High" Lila added.

"Yes, Lila dear. That Pataki skank is going down. Because we are cheelearders, and we are popular, and we have no other purpose in this fic but to be the convenient antagonists for Helga Pataki, who is obviously the heroine of this fic!" Rhonda said.

"Yes, Rhonda. I'm oh too certain that we need to hatch an evil plan to torment her, and that involves me stealing Arnold from her, because the author of this story has no imagination, and is getting hungry from waiting for his Junior Whooper burger from Burger King! Mwahahahaha!"

Both of cheerleaders laughed maniacally, their gang of cheerleaders joining them in their evil laughter as lightning struck at the background.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold, and the lyrics to the song "I'm Glad. Because Finally I'm Returning Back Home" written by Arkady Ostrovsky. This fic contains racist jokes and slurs. This doesn't mean I'm a racist, or enjoy hearing racist jokes. This is to satirize fanfics that tend to be racist at times.**

**A/N: Not terrible enough, eh? I'm turning off the spellcheckre of my wrod processor. XD**

**Team Arnold  
**

Helga's grand entrance to Hillwood High did not go unnoticed to Arnold Shortman, the hottest and most guy in the school. He's more awesome and cooler than Ozzy Osbourne, Optimus Prime, and Jesus Christ combined! He's like the eeeditor in chief of the school paper, the president of the homecoming comittee, team captain of the basketball, baseball, football, swimming, pig equestrian, mud wrestling, Monopoly, scrabble, chinese checkers, and biscuit game team of the school. What is biscuit game, you may ask? Google it up, but don't blame me for whatever abomination you will see. It can never be unseen, trust me.

Yes, he's uber handsome, cool, and athletic, even though he's obviously some dopey average guy back in grade school. He's also uber kind, helpful, sweet, and friendly. He's so perfect that the Pope in Vatican will soon declare him as a saint. Yes, Saint Arnold of Hillwood, even it's obvious that he isn't Catholic. XD Why Arnold is damn perfect? Because _fuck you_, that's why. XD

So Saint Arnoldo went to the hallway, where Helga was making her way to the locker as well. Suddenly, his phone rang. He took it out, and his ringtone began to play loudly. He listened to the inspirational Russian song that captured the hearts of the millions.

**(A/N: At this point, I would suggest you open a new tab, go to Youtube, and play the "Trololo" song while reading the next part. Enjoy!)**

"_Ahhhhhhhhh Ya ya yaaaah Ya ya yaaah Yaaah ya yah!_

_Ohohohohoooo Oh ya yaaah Ya ya yaaah Yaaah ya yah!_

_Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeh Ye-ye-yeh Ye-ye-yeh Ohohohohoh!_

_Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeh Ye-ye-yeh Ye-ye-yeh Ohohohohooooooooooo _

_Aaaaoooooh aaaooo Hooo haha_

_Nah nah nah nah Nuh nuh nuh Nuh nuh nuh Nuh nuh nuh Nuh nuh nah!_

_Nah nah nah nah nun Nun-ah nun Nun-ah nuh Nah nah nah nah nah!_

_Nah nah nah nah Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! _

_Dah dah daaaaaaaaaah... Da-da-dah... Daaah.. Da-dah..._

_Lololololoooooooooooooo!_

_Lah la-laaah La la laaah lol haha_

_Ohohohoho ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho oh-ho-ho-ho-ho_

_Ohohohoho ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho Lololololooo..._

_AAIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EE eeeee-eeeee-EEEEEEEEE!_

_Luh-luh-lah... Lah Lah-lah_

_Ohohohohooooooooo! _

_BOPadudududu-dah-da-du-daaaah! Da-da-daaaah Daaah Da-daaah..._

_Lololololo lololo lololol Lalalalah!_

_Trololololo lalalaaa_

_Oh-hahaha-ho Haha-hehe-ho Hohoho-he-ho Hahahaha-ho_

_Lolololololo Lolololololo Lolololololo Lololo-LOL!_

_Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! La-la-laaaah! La la laaaah! Laaaah La-lah..._

_Ohohohohoooooooooo! La, la-laaah! La-la-laaah lol haha..._

_Lololololo Lololo Lololo_

_Ohohohoho!_

_Lololololol Lololo Lololo_

_Ohohohohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_

Arnold wiped a tear than escaped from his eye, deeply touched by the meaningful and inspirational lyrics of the Russian song that happened to be his ringtone. He then answered his phone.

_"My nigga what it do? Ya hommie can i borrow your ca?"_

"Gerald? Is that you?" Arnold asked, a scowl forming on his forehead.

_"Ya? Dafuq you actin' brand new fo?"_

"Gerald, why are you talking like a gangbanger from the ghettoes?"

Gerald suddenly snapped out from his "ghetto mode", and replied in straight accent, _"Because I'm the only black character in this fic, and the author of this godawful fanfic has no imagination, so I need to act as stereotypically and offensively 'black' as possible!"_

Arnold nodded, "Hmmm, sounds legit!"

_"Aight. So um let me borrow your car and hold a couple of dallas. Ya feel me? 'Cuse you know I need to rep my streets, you know, live for da hood, you know, make dat paper."_

Arnold frowned, "So you're going to make your paper by 'borrowing' money from me."

_"Shit my nigga, dufuq you catin stingy for. Forreal, I thought we was niggas?! I knowns you since we was babies and shit. Growned up in da hood in shit. Coming out heer acting brand new an shit! Don't make me rob your white ass! You ain't think I know where you keep da spare key to yor crib?" _Gerald hollered at the other end of the line.

"Yeah, that's what _you and your people_ are good at," Arnold sneered.

Then there was full ten seconds of silence on the other end of the line before Gerald finally spoke up, in his "normal voice".

_"That's fucking racist, dude. Simply racist."_

"Well, I thought so," Arnold replied with a chuckle.

And then Gerald returned to his "ghetto mode".

_"Ya my nigga, watch my bitch Phoebe for me. I seened a nigga tryin' to holla at her the other day! Mutherfucker turned out to be a fuck boi when I whooped da ass! Shit, nigga was all like, 'I ain't know it was your gurl! I ain't know don't kill me!' Haha! Dem cops still ain't find his ass. Anyway, watch dat hoe. She a top grade asian bitch, and I ain't trying to have no other niggas up on my bitch but me!"_

"Alrighty, I'll watch Phoebe for you. I'll see you later, bro." He then ended the call, and put back his phone back to his pocket.

On the other side of the hallway, Helga was with her ever-loyal bestfriend and minion, Phoebe. Heads turned and necks again snapped from their places as Helga bewitched the the male students as she passed the hallway like some sort of royalty or queen, much to the chagrin of Lila and Rhonda, who were both seething together with their cheerleader minions.

"Look at Helga. Look how she walks. She thinks she's some sort of queen. Well excuuuuuse me, but if there's one queen here, it is me, Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd," she snorted with her nose held up high.

"I'm ever so certain that he will try to steal my Arnold from me. I will make sure that Arnold will be mine, mine alone! I'm oh so certain that this is the part of the story where we need to hatch an evil plan to bring Helga Pataki down," Lila said to Rhonda.

"Yes, Lila dear," she replied. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"What?"

"I'm gonna throw a party! I'm gonna invite all of the juniors at my house, and there's gonna be booze, drugs, and other illegal stuff that we're not allowed to have because we're just in high school! And then we're gonna make that Pataki bitch drunk, and we'll let the whole high school basketball team gangbang her, and we'll take a video of that, and we'll post it in Facebook, and that bitch Pataki will go down faster than a lead balloon! Mwahahaha!" Rhonda cackled maniacally, revelling at the genius of her evil plot.

Lila's eyes shimmered with delight, "Wow, Rhonda! That plan is ever so genius, and ever so _original_! I'm ever so sure that that plan had never been featured in any fanfiction before!"

"Yes, Lila! Now bow down to my genius!" Rhonda commanded.

"Yes, my Queen," Lila and her fellow cheerleaders replied before bowing down before Queen Rhonda.

Meanwhile, Helga and Phoebe continued their way along the hallway.

"Pheebs, why do I have a feeling that I will bump at someone today?" Helga asked.

"That's because according to my calculations, your chances of collision with another male member of ou species would exponentially rise as the writer of this fanfiction would constantly refer to the tired and overused cliche of you bumping with a certain Caucasian male who happened to have a blonde hair whom I often offer refer to in a pseudonym you named after a certain dairy product that is best eaten when subjected to its freezing point of around zero degrees Celsius, or thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit," Phoebe replied without missing a beat.

Helga just gave her a confused look, "What?"

"Yup. Brace yourself, winter is coming! In 3..."

"2."

"1."

_**BUMP!**_

Right there and then, Helga came crashing face first to Arnold, and both fell flat to the ground.

"Helga?!" Arnold exclaimed, while struggling to get up.

"Arnold..." Helga groaned, still lying on on the ground, curled up in pain.

"Yup, right on schedule," Phoebe chimed, looking at her watch.

"Phoebe, I think I punctured my lung during the impact," Helga groaned in pain. "I know you're the smartest girl in the class, but you don't have a mind of your own and would stupidly follow whatever I told you to do, for you have been my loyal slave since...ever. I need your lung right now, or else I'll die."

"Donating!" Phoebe gleefully said, taking out a scalpel from her pocket. She then took off her shirt, and sliced herself open, taking out her right lung to donate to Helga. Right there at the hallway, she performed a lung transplant on Helga, and sewed herself shut using whatever material she MacGuyver-ed around. All of the students who were watching cheered as Phoebe completed the lung transplant.

After the transplant was done, Arnold stood up and looked at the audience.

"Kids, that's what will happen if you run around the hallway without looking on your way. Always remember to keep an open eye if you will run in the hallway to avoid head-on hallway collisions. For knowing is winning half of the battle! GOOOOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE!"

**A/N: The coffee I had been drinking must have been spiked with some sort of hallucinogen when I wrote this. Anyway, read and review! ^^,**


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